Confetti, Balloons, More Confetti
by RainbowDoom
Summary: If you could survive dinner with the Akatsuki, you could survive anything... except for maybe Itachi's birthday party.
1. Chapter 1

**EDIT Whoops, almost forgot to give credit: Masashi Kishimoto owns Naruto and the Akatsuki.**

**There. **

**Hey guys THANK YOU all who have read/faved/reviewed this so far I LOVE YOU it means so much to me. Stick around; part two will be up soon. That's all ;)**

**-RainbowDoom :)**

If you could survive dinner with the Akatsuki, you could survive anything.

It was the only meal each day at which the entire organization was present. Breakfast was a nightmarish free-for-all scavenger hunt, usually resulting in the consumption of peanut-butter-and-pickle sandwiches, cereal, or the occasional three-week-old pastry. Lunch was just as bad, if not worse; no one was really around, and the few who were tended to keep to themselves, not leaving much time for conversation (or, for that matter, eating in general).

But dinner?

Everyone showed up, and stuck around for the duration of the meal – though nine treacherous serial killers with assorted areas of expertise all gathered around one table often led to some rather ill-fated predicaments. Pein realized that a set of dinner rules were in order after one particularly violent evening during which:

a) Itachi's plate suddenly and inexplicably exploded, splattering the infamous Uchiha with little bits of rice;

b) the discovery was made that Samehada is sharper than it looks and can, in fact, cut through a solid wooden table;

c) Konan realized that she never should have asked what was in the sauce and vowed never to let Zetsu cook ever, _ever_ again; and

d) Hidan took a large bite out of what he believed to be his dinner but what turned out to be the ornamental centerpiece.

A food-flinging contest rapidly ensued. Two weeks later, they still hadn't managed to get the last remnants of spaghetti off the walls.

The list of dinner rules is as follows:

1. No genjutsu.

2. Do not eat the table.

3. No casualties.

4. Musical chairs is forbidden.

5. Refrain from ranting.

6. Don't chew with your mouth open.

7. No clay at the table.

8. Hands (and other body parts) to yourselves.

9. No stripping.

10. Food stays in the kitchen.

That and the seating the chart, which did _not _include Tobi sitting next to Deidara or Hidan sitting next to anyone (he was given a separate table in the living room) were put into effect next day.

Somehow, it didn't seem like much had been resolved…

* * *

Being a notoriously evil leader of an equally notorious evil organization has its ups and downs. Worldwide recognition was one advantage, as well as plenty of (somewhat) loyal followers to do your bidding.

The major disadvantage? Paperwork.

Various agents and spies wanted payment, sooner rather than later. Forms had to be filled out, records had to be checked, hit lists updated. It was a delicate business, and definitely not one for the easily distracted.

Pein glanced at the hairline crack above his office door for the ninth time that night. It looked kind of like an upside-down ice cream cone… the crack, not the office door. That would have been odd.

Two stories below him, the Akatsuki were gathering for dinner. Pein could hear Hidan complaining in the way only Hidan could complain, complete with extensive colorful vocabulary, about "why the hell the forks always have to go on the left side of the plate".

Kakuzu's distinctive voice sounded next, a lecture concerning the correct placement of knives, forks, and plates about the table.

Pein tilted his head. Hmm. From this angle, the crack looked more like a four-leaf clover.

There was a sudden sound of breaking china and a loud _"Shit-"_ from Hidan.

No, definitely an ice cream cone. Probably.

Pein began to roll his pen back and forth on his desk with his index finger. From downstairs, there came the sound recalling that of someone being beaten to death with the blunt end of a katana.

Four-leaf clover. Well, maybe not. Perhaps it was something else entirely – clover-flavored ice cream, for example.

He then heard an enormous WHOOOOOMF from the direction of the living room, followed by crackling noises.

"ITACHI-" he heard Konan yell. More crackling. The sounds of someone being beaten to death with a katana continued.

A new voice: "Stop it before it – _Not the curtains! I just cleaned those curtains!"_

"Get Leader-sama!" someone shouted amid the cacophony.

Ice cream cone. Definitely.

Frantic footsteps. Then the sound of the sink being turned on, full blast, which was going to be a problem later, as the sink seriously needed repairs, stubbornly resisting being turned off past a certain point.

The crackling increased in volume. "We need buckets-" Pein heard. There was a loud, splintering crash. Someone screamed, probably Deidara.

Then Pein's door (not shaped like an ice cream cone, remember?) came flying open. It bounced off the opposite wall, probably leaving a dent, and Kisame burst into the office. Light flooded in from the hallway.

Bearer of bad news as usual, Kisame announced the following.

"Er, Leader-sama, thought you ought to know – the living room's on fire."

* * *

Pein followed Kisame down two flights of stairs and into the living room. Or, at least, what had recently been the living room but was now a flaming pandemonium.

Kakuzu was beating Hidan to death with the blunt end of a large katana. Zetsu, Deidara, and Konan had formed a struggling bucket line which was making little progress in putting out the flames. Tobi had crawled under the coffee table. Itachi smiled disconcertingly from the far corner, fire gleaming in his eyes. The curtains were singed. Pieces of plates, cups and silverware were scattered everywhere. Pein put his fingers to his temples and sighed.

"I wasn't sure if you wanted me to put it out," Kisame yelled over Hidan's muffled protests and the roar of the flames. "Remember last time, with the sofa?"

It was true: sofas were remarkably spongelike when waterlogged. In fact, they tended to make an unfortunate _squeeeech_ing sound when sat upon by extremely distinguished clients bearing vitally important business opportunities.

It was a risk Pein was willing to take this time. Rolling his eyes, which made them look like swirling vortexes of terror (which of course they were), he shouted, "Put it out," and Kisame obliged.

The mist-nin made a rapid series of handsigns and water surged into the room out of nowhere, sweeping up the living room furniture in the sudden tidalwave. There was a sound akin to the world's largest teakettle boiling over as all the flames were extinguished at once. Steam filled the room, mingling with the smoke and producing a rather interesting smell.

Just another day at the Akatsuki hideout.

* * *

Two hours later, dinner was served. Cleaning up the living room had been a memorable experience: Deidara had been found pinned beneath the large ornamental cactus, relatively unharmed but looking like a failed acupuncture experiment; pieces of cutlery had been strewn everywhere, and there was a fork stuck in the center of Hidan's forehead which he hadn't yet managed to remove.

"Now, Itachi," Pein said, once they had all settled down in the kitchen. "What exactly compelled you to set the living room on fire?"

Itachi frowned. No one ever asked him why he did things; his actions were generally accepted. He didn't really know the correct way to answer these kinds of questions, so he just went with the answer he had given the last time someone had asked him "why". Which had, in fact, been a prepared speech.

"To test my abilities," he said. "If you wish to kill me one day, foster your hatred and despise me. Surviving in such an unsightly manner as this – by all means, flee. Cling to your wretched life."

The Uchiha stood up and left without another word. They decided not to pursue the matter any farther.

Konan leaned in across the table and said in a hushed undertone, "You know, it's his birthday in two days. Don't you think we should do something?"

Deidara shook his head vigorously. Kakuzu ducked to avoid the onslaught of cactus needles and cast a worried glance down at the checkbook in his hands. And Tobi all but squealed, "Tobi thinks that's an excellent idea, Konan-san! Let's get started right away!"

And that had settled it.

* * *

_Operation Itachi's Surprise Birthday Party, Top-Secret Meeting #1._

"This is ridiculous, un."

Tobi looked up from the list which he had been dutifully adding to and frowned behind his swirled mask. "Itachi-san deserves a nice birthday party, Senpai. Don't you think so?"

Deidara yawned, then scowled. "Not in the slightest, Tobi, and–" he peered at Tobi's list, determined to find fault. "Itachi doesn't even _like_ lemon cake, remember?"

Tobi gasped. "That's right!" he squealed, one hand flying to his forehead. "Thank you, Senpai! Just for that, I think I'll let _you_ be in charge of making Itachi's cake. Won't that be fun, Senpai?"

Deidara's scowl deepened. "I refuse, un. I'm not making a cake for that art-murdering Uchiha–" and he would have said worse except that Tobi cut him off with a cheerful "Perfect!" and added his name to the list.

The Akatsuki minus Itachi were all gathered around the oblong table in the red-carpeted, black-walled meeting room, bleary-eyed and still in pajamas. Tobi had insisted upon calling a meeting, pre-sunrise, to discuss plans for Itachi's surprise party celebration, which the Akatsuki had been none too happy about.

Hidan, at the head of the table, had buried his head in his arms – awake or asleep, he certainly wasn't paying any attention. He had finally managed to yank the fork out of his forehead during his previous night's shower, and had passed out then and there from extensive bloodloss.

Kakuzu, who had been sent in to collect Hidan out of the shower and clean up the bathroom, was sitting as far away from Hidan as he possibly could, next to Kisame, who was apparently extremely interested in a kunai he had found in his pocket.

Deidara had stayed up for five hours straight to get all the cactus needles out of his hair and face, one by one, and had been beyond ill-tempered when Tobi had skipped over to his bed to wake him up at four thirty that morning.

Pein was glancing at the black, red-rimmed clock so frequently that he appeared to have a twitch. He'd be willing to bet his last piercing that Itachi, nemesis of all birthday parties everywhere, would either burn down the lair upon finding it covered in balloons and streamers, or not be able to distinguish the balloons and streamers from everything else and simply walk away, uninterested. That was Itachi's problem. Expert combatant as he was, he was simply too predictable sometimes.

Konan leaned back in her chair, twirling a few strands of blue hair between her fingers and trying not to look too bored for Tobi's sake. And Zetsu… well, Zetsu was hungry. And as much as Zetsu would listen patiently to Tobi's long retellings of dreams and even play board games with him on occasion, that black-clad, green-scarved, orange-masked, mouthwatering morsel was starting to look pretty tasty right now.

"Kisame!" chirped the mouthwatering morsel, and Zetsu jerked out of his wistful daydream, quickly wiping away the drool that had been accumulating around the black side of his mouth. The unfortunate Mist-nin looked up from his kunai warily.

"Yes?" he said, and gulped.

"Kisame, you're Itachi's partner, so I think I'll put you in charge of Itachi's birthday present. Okay?"

"Er," Kisame said, twirling the kunai around his finger distractedly.

Silence.

"Great!" said Tobi. "Now, we still need to get a hold of some music, snacks, a great big piñata, pretty lights, lots of flowers, rainbow balloons, confetti, a disco ball, more confetti, appetizers, party hats, birthday cards, candles, muffins, party favors, maybe a pony, a giant fruit salad, scissors, wrapping paper, ribbons, and probably a microphone. Oh, and we need to make sure that Itachi doesn't find us out before we're ready. Does anyone have any ideas?"

More silence. And then…

"Actually," said Pein slowly, turning away from the clock, "I think I might have one…"


	2. Chapter 2

**Hi.**

**Chapter two! Enjoy, everyone ;) and don't forget to review! :D**

**-RainbowDoom**

* * *

The next day was Itachi's birthday. The leaf-nin woke up exactly five minutes before his alarm clock went off, just like any other day. He got out of bed, just like any other day. And he pulled off his sleeping mask, just like any other day, and poof! He was dressed.

He made his bed blurrily, squinting at the assorted pillows and comforters, then turned to go downstairs.

He knew something was wrong as soon as he got to the first floor, because everyone was being alarmingly polite to him. They all bowed as he descended the stairs, tripped over the bottom one, and entered the kitchen. Deidara stood up.

"Hey, Itachi-san. D'you want my chair, un?"

This was certainly _not_ just like any other day.

Itachi took Deidara's chair just as Pein began to cook him breakfast – French toast, his favoritest ever, though theoretically the Uchiha could survive on anything that happened to be available.

"Itachi," said Pein cheerfully, as one of the French toasts started to smoke at the corners, "Would you like to go on a scouting mission today? A really long, pointless scouting mission in the Leaf Village? For six hours?"

"Mmph," said the Uchiha as Hidan strangled him from behind with his own forehead protector.

"Sorry, Itachi-san," Hidan apologized. There were four red dots in a row on his forehead, looking almost like the mark that a fork would make if it had been stuck there. "I was just trying to fix your headband. It looked a little crooked."

"Anyway," said Pein. "Would you?"

"I suppose," the Uchiha began, as Kakuzu, Hidan, Deidara, Konan, and Zetsu began to shove him towards the front door. "It wouldn't hurt," he continued quietly. Pein threw the door open, and with a combined effort, the Akatsuki managed to heave Itachi out of the lair.

"All right, I'll do it," sounded from the front lawn, slightly muffled. The door slammed behind him.

"Okay!" Tobi hissed from his hiding place behind the mantle. "Stations, everyone! Hurry!"

* * *

Though it hadn't been mentioned to them during the top secret birthday party meeting, Hidan and Kakuzu were sent out on a scouting mission as well, but for a different purpose.

Nothing was more infuriating than going out to the store to buy such unimportant, unnecessary things such as streamers and balloons with Kakuzu supervising you. He'd somehow manage to sneak all the items out of the shopping cart and back onto their shelves, all the while ranting constantly about prices. And Hidan… well, any triple-bladed-scythe-toting Jashinist was more of a hindrance than a help when preparing for a surprise party within the time constraints of six hours. So it was only Tobi, Pein, Konan, Zetsu, Kisame, and Deidara who remained, one of whom was none too interested in participating in the preparations.

As soon as he could, Deidara had escaped to his bedroom.

He was having a dilemma. He needed a way to keep orange-masked bothers out of his room, along with everyone else who happened to wander aimlessly in.

Bake a cake… Deidara scoffed. Yeah, right. Not for that Uchiha, no way. Nope, I'm gonna stay right here and make my greatest masterpiece yet, and no one's gonna stop me.

Collecting up thirty or forty explosive clay birds, a kunai, and several rolls of duct tape, Deidara proceeded to jam the entire lot into the doorframe. The final touch was a nearly invisible trip wire – upon entering, all trespassers would explode.

Deidara returned to his desk and began happily working on a sculpture of a clay bird.

Ahh, bliss. The room was still and peaceful, Tobi was nowhere to be seen, and-

"Deidara-senpai!"

If Deidara had jumped any higher, he would have ended up in the attic.

"Deidara-senpai, what are you doing in your room? Why aren't you making a cake?"

Tobi nimbly avoided Deidara's fist _and_ managed not to stumble over the trip wire. Why, world? _Why?_

"Tobi," the rock-nin growled, "As I said before, I am not making a cake for that Uchiha, un. Now get out of my r-"

Deidara stopped dead. Staring at Tobi's mask, right where the hole for his eye was, a sudden vision appeared before his eyes. A glorious masterpiece, a beautiful, creamy, five-tiered cake, complete with fanciful swirls of icing and hundreds of tiny candles, little pinpricks of light burning brightly, until-

"Katsu!" Deidara cried, and he realized he had said it out loud, and made the handsign, so that his latest bird (his favorite, of course) exploded from its place on one of his many shelves, taking the entire row with it.

Deidara swore. Loudly. Tobi had his hands over his ears.

Then, silence.

"Er, Tobi," Deidara said quietly. "Do you think you could get me a cookbook, un?"

* * *

Five minutes later in the kitchen, Deidara was leafing through Pein's _Desserts for Culinary Rejects _when Tobi himself skipped in, arms full of balloons, streamers, confetti, and more confetti. A party hat was balanced precariously on his head, and his list was tucked into his cloak pocket.

"Hiya, Senpai!" Tobi piped, cheerfully depositing his armful of party supplies onto the counter. "How's the cake going?"

"Just trying to find a recipe, un," Deidara replied distractedly. He flipped to the next page as Tobi bustled off with a pile of rainbow confetti.

Deidara paused at the recipe for Vanilla Cream Cake and scanned the list of ingredients. This one looked pretty doable… he looked at the page opposite.

_Spicy Pepper Surprise_, the title proclaimed. Deidara squinted, his eyes widened, and a plan began to take shape in the rock-nin's head.

…He'd have to ask Zetsu about the peppers. Yes, Zetsu would know where to get some, certainly – he might even have a few growing in his greenhouse. And then he'd need a way of knowing which piece of cake it was hidden in, to make sure no one else accidentally got to it – a swirl of frosting, perhaps, or some sort of garnish.

It was a flawless plan, maybe his best ever. Deidara cackled silently to himself as he reached into the pantry for flour.

That damned Uchiha wouldn't know what had hit him (un)…

* * *

Samehada and helium balloons just don't mix.

Kisame was having quite a hard time with the decorations in living room, adjacent to Deidara and his little project in the kitchen. The mist-nin had been hearing odd explosions every five minutes or so, followed by loud _splat!_ noises, rather like the sound you might hear after heaving a large scoop of cake batter at the kitchen window.

Suddenly the noises stopped and Deidara ran out of the kitchen, heading in the direction of Zetsu's greenhouse. Kisame whirled around, and Samehada, which was strapped to his back as usual, brushed up against several inflated balloons resting on the ceiling. They immediately burst, one right after the other. Kisame sighed.

Not again.

Tobi dashed in about an hour later, list in hand and wearing a party hat, to drop off the wrapping paper for Itachi's birthday present.

The masked ninja stared down into the box in which the present lay, his arms full of wrapping paper and ribbons. "Oh, Kisame-san," he sighed. "It's _perfect!_ Itachi will _love_ it!" He performed a joyful twirl for emphasis.

As it turned out, Tobi had also constructed an enormous contraption designed to pour myriads of confetti, balloons, and more confetti onto Itachi's head if he stepped through a certain trip wire, and he recruited Kisame to help shove it into place behind one of the ceiling tiles. Then, once the living room was finally properly festooned with festive décor – streamers, balloons, a disco ball, garlands, strings of lights, the works – Tobi tried to force Kisame into a party hat.

"Tobi-"

"Hold _still_, Kisame-san!" Tobi shouted fiercely, startling Deidara in the next room over, who was leaning over his cake, tube of frosting in hand. The baking part was finally complete (it had to be baked in five parts; it was simply too big for the Akatsuki's tiny oven), and now Deidara was frosting it with the utmost of care. He smiled to himself, and added an extra pink icing rose on Itachi's designated piece.

There. He could see the scene playing out in his head: Itachi would be seated at the table; Deidara would be cutting the cake. _Here, Itachi-san, you can have this nice piece here, the one with the rose on it._

And then – triumph.

Deidara smirked. He couldn't wait. Not even Tobi, who skipped in five minutes later and gave him a party hat to wear, could put a damper on his excitement.

Deidara had barely slipped his party hat on his head when the washing machine exploded.

* * *

Konan had been taking advantage of Hidan and Kakuzu's absence to wash all of Hidan's clothes, which he hadn't had the decency to do himself, and there were just so _many_ of them. The hardest part had been getting to the clothes themselves, which were waist-deep in places on Hidan's side of the room. So Konan arranged them into piles and heaved these, one by one, down two flights of stairs and then down into the basement.

The washing machine had been threatening to expire for weeks, and being run for five and a half hours on end was all it took. So just as Konan arrived in the basement with Hidan's second-to-last pile of clothes, the washing machine gave a great shudder and innumerable jets of soapy water burst out from under the lid, flying in all directions and coating the walls in white foam. Luckily Konan had realized what was going to happen a second before it did, and she managed to shield her face with her sleeve.

Still, water was surging out of the machine at an alarming rate, along with mountains of soap suds and the occasional sock. Bubbles floated lightly around the basement.

Konan cringed.

Luckily, this whole event had made quite a terrific noise, and the rest of the Akatsuki came to her rescue before long, Zetsu in the lead. **"What's going on?" **rasped his black side.

Closely followed by Pein, Deidara, and Tobi, Zetsu splashed down the last few basement stairs.

"Zetsu!" Konan shouted, taking action. "See if you can turn off the water. Deidara, go and get some buckets from the supply closet. Tobi, try to get the clothes out of the washing machine. Oh, _where_ is Kisame when you need him?"

Kisame, incidentally, was tangled in a bunch of balloons. Samehada's wrappings had unfortunately started to unravel, and had gotten caught in a balloon string. And then when Kisame had turned around to fix it, five more had become tangled in with the first. Soon he was snarled in the streamers hanging from the ceiling as well, quite unable to move any of his limbs (he could still sort of hop around on one foot).

Deidara pounded up the basement stairs and took a left into the meeting room. Leaping over the table, he dashed to the supply closet and turned the handle. He gave the door a tug. It didn't open.

The door was stuck.

* * *

Zetsu wasn't faring any better in trying to shut off the water; it seemed that the switch had been snapped completely off the wall panel. Pein waded over quickly as he could and began to help Zetsu. Tobi had completely forgotten the crisis and was playing mermaids in the now shoulder-deep water.

That was when Deidara came back.

"The supply closet door is stuck," he hollered, wading deeper into the basement. _Not that buckets would really help at this point,_ he thought, as the water lapped at the ends of his hair.

Barely anyone heard him anyway. In desperation, Pein caught hold of one of Hidan's socks and jammed it into the broken pipe behind the washing machine. The flow lessened drastically.

Konan caught on, and snatched up a spare cloak. Balling it up into a dense bundle, she half-swam, half-waded to the washing machine and stuffed it in. Soon, with everyone helping, the flood ceased, though four and a half feet of standing water remained in the basement. Tobi paddled back and forth with an old inner tube he had found, extremely pleased with this new addition to the lair – a built-in basement swimming pool. "Thanks, Konan-san!" he said as he passed, waving.

* * *

With thirty minutes to go, everyone tramped back upstairs, leaving trails of soapy grey water behind them. Tobi suggested they make a "nice appetizer" and then ran off to go disentangle Kisame from the balloons in the living room.

"How about a salad," Pein suggested, untying his headband and squeezing out the water. Everyone nodded assent.

Everyone except for Zetsu, who looked decidedly queasy at the very thought of chopped-up lettuce tossed into a bowl, awaiting certain doom. He started to back out the kitchen door.

"Wait!" Konan cried. "Go and turn off all the lights," she whispered. "This is a surprise party, after all."

"Oh, right," Zetsu said, and left, just as Kisame entered the kitchen, bits of streamers stuck in his hair and Tobi bouncing excitedly at his heels.

"Hi, everyone!" he said. "What kind of appetizer-"

And then Deidara gave a bottle of salad dressing a vigorous shake, believing the cap to be much more firmly attached than it actually was. The cap flew off, rebounded against the kitchen wall, and nailed Deidara in the eye on its way back; the resulting splatter on the ceiling had been enough to delay all preparations by nearly twenty minutes. Konan finally resolved the matter by arranging a particularly large bunch of balloons over the spot, and advised the rest to not draw attention to it.

Finally, they were ready. With ten minutes left, Tobi directed everyone into the living room.

"We've all got to hide behind the furniture, or else Itachi will know we're here and it won't be a surprise." He ducked behind the ottoman. "Oh, and Senpai, go and get the cake and put it on the dining room table next to Itachi's present."

The cake! Deidara had forgotten about the cake, but at its mention he jumped up and squished off into the kitchen.

This was going to be interesting…

* * *

**And that's all for now :) **


	3. Chapter 3

**Moar crack, spicy peppers, and disturbingish Akatsuki randomness coming right up in CHAPTER 3! Enjoy!**

**~RainbowDoom**

* * *

The sun had just set by the time Hidan and Kakuzu arrived back at the lair. Usually, around this time of day, the entire place was lit up and relatively cheery looking, key word being relatively. But tonight?

Every last window was dark.

Kakuzu noticed this with increasing apprehension as Hidan began digging through his cloak pockets.

"Oh, _shit._ Fuck. Fuckfuckfuck…"

"What?" Kakuzu asked anxiously. Hidan turned to Kakuzu with a despairing look on his face.

"I lost the key," Hidan moaned.

There were at least thirty seconds of silence.

"You _what?"_ Kakuzu finally exploded, startling every bird within fifty feet of the two ninja into flight. "You – you mean we're locked out?"

Hidan nodded. Kakuzu twitched.

At this point the stars had begun to appear, and the two Akatsuki members were stranded. Hidan was muttering to himself as he paced back and forth. Kakuzu watched him disinterestedly from the patio.

"Okay, here's an idea," said Hidan, snatching up his scythe and trotting over to the side of the lair. Kakuzu realized what he was about to do and sprang up to intercept the scythe as it swung, about to demolish the wall.

"No, no, no, don't even think about it," Kakuzu cried. "There's no way in _hell _I'm paying for repairs."

Minutes passed. Hidan paced back and forth, back and forth, a small trench beginning to form at his feet. Then Hidan's gaze fell upon the garden hose coiled at his feet, then at an open window above him on the third floor.

"Aha!" he screeched suddenly, coming to an abrupt halt and thrusting his index finger into the air. "This'll work for sure – Oh, I am such a fucking _genius_–"

Kakuzu raised an eyebrow. "What's the plan?"

"Watch," his partner replied.

With all his might, Hidan threw the hose like a javelin. It hurtled towards the open window on the third floor and neatly sailed through. There was a bit of a clattering noise as the handle caught onto the edge of the window frame. Three quick tugs to make sure it would hold, and Hidan nodded.

"You first," he said, gesturing to the makeshift rope. So Kakuzu began to climb up the hose, using the side of the lair as leverage every few feet, and looping the hose around his hands.

Once his partner had made it halfway, Hidan started to climb.

This was where things started to go wrong. By Hidan's standards, the plan was a rather ingenious one, but he had forgotten one vitally important thing:

When using the hose faucet as a foothold, take care not to turn the hose on, or things are gonna get wet.

And what did Hidan do?

Well, turned the hose on, of course.

He didn't realize what he had done at first; it was only when he recognized the ominous sound of water being channeled through a small space that he figured that something was wrong. He looked up. There it went – a sort of bulge traveling up the hose, against gravity, towards where the hose was looped around the window.

"Oh… shit."

Kakuzu heard this and looked down at his partner, who was staring at the hose as if it were one of Deidara's clay birds. Kakuzu realized what had happened a few seconds too late. Hidan began to back away from the lair.

This wasn't gonna be pretty…

* * *

Inside the darkened Akatsuki lair, the remainder of the organization was crouched behind chairs and sofas, waiting with bated breath for Itachi to return so they could ambush the leaf-nin with their surprise party. Balloons hung in bunches from the ceiling. Streamers were draped across every available surface, and a single pink balloon remained tangled around Samehada. The cake, in all its frosted glory, was the central feature of the dining room table, covered in curls of chocolate and magnificent swirls of icing. Deidara could barely contain himself and would occasionally burst out laughing (everyone else had gotten used to this by now).

Itachi's birthday present was sitting next to the cake – Kisame kept glancing at it from his hiding place behind the sofa.

"Hey," said the mist-nin suddenly, realizing that two of their number were missing. "Where'd Hidan and Kakuzu go? Didn't you assign them a scouting mission too, Leader-sama?"

Pein was about to reply when there was a sudden explosion from the third floor of the lair. The floor shook. Plaster dust rained from the ceiling. Water began to trickle down the staircase.

**"What in…?" **Zetsu's black side hissed, staring at the newly formed waterfall pouring down the stairs. The ceiling, which had always been leaky, was now sending a constant spurt of water down into the living room.

"That could be them," Pein whispered.

* * *

Kakuzu was flat on his back, winded, and somehow still conscious. The pressure from the hose had been enough to explode the window frame, taking with it Kakuzu and the large metal curtain rail, which had all landed on the ground in that precise order, incidentally. Hidan hovered over the wreckage uncertainly, not sure whether to laugh or sprint away as quickly as possible.

It was taking every ounce of willpower he had not to strangle or otherwise maim Hidan as Kakuzu once again found himself on the patio, out of ideas and patience, only this time, they were both soaked through. Even after managing to turn off the hose, water was still pouring down the entire side of the lair.

Kakuzu noticed a single branch rustle on a far-off tree, and a shadowy figure dropped down from it. He squinted into the night, snatching up a kunai from his pocket, then released it with a clatter as he recognized the shadowed, scarlet eyes of Itachi Uchiha.

Itachi calmly approached them. Hidan stood. Kakuzu attempted to stand up as well but was unable (he suspected broken ribs or something of that nature.)  
Itachi raised an eyebrow at the puddles accumulating at the Akatsuki members' feet and the garden hose snarled in the grass a few yards away from them.

"I don't want to know, do I?"

"We got back and the door was locked and we tried to think of what to do and we've been out here for hours trying to climb up the hose and that didn't work and-" Hidan said, then took a long, strangled breath. "Thank _Jashin _you're back. _Thank__– fucking– Jashin__."_

"You were locked out, you say?" Itachi asked, squinting at the dark windows of the lair.

Then he said it. "Did you even think to check the door?"

Hidan looked at Kakuzu.

Kakuzu looked at Hidan.

"No," they both said in unison.

* * *

The water had stopped, for the most part, and all was calm in the Akatsuki lair. Pein, Konan, Kisame, Zetsu, Deidara, and Tobi, huddled behind furniture in the living room, all heard the door handle turn, heard the door swing open with a long, eerie creak, and then Hidan and Kakuzu's voices sounded.

"…and it was _unlocked_ all this _fucking_ time! How _fucked up _is that?" Hidan leaned his scythe against the coat rack and looked around at the darkened lair. "Hey… where is everyone?"

Kakuzu hobbled into the lair and immediately leaned against the wall. "Hidan," he winced. "When in doubt, leave the thinking to_ me."_

Tobi, unseen by all, snuck across the living room and flipped the lights on – and before Deidara had a chance to wonder how Itachi could possibly trip over the doorframe upon entering the lair and _still_ manage to look dignified, the party had begun.

"Happy birthday, Itachi!" the Akatsuki bellowed. Confetti flew every which way. Balloons bounced around the ceiling and Tobi somehow managed to slip a party hat onto Itachi's head.

During these few seconds, the Uchiha was totally bemused – but a new emotion seemed to be fighting its way out as well.

Gratitude.

Gratitude was something Itachi hadn't felt in a whole long while. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a long moment. A slight smile tugged at the corners of his mouth. Slowly, it began to spread–

–and then Deidara ruined the moment by blowing a party horn in Itachi's face. Unable to contain himself any longer, he shouted, "Time for cake, un!"

* * *

Everyone gathered around the dining room table, in awe at Deidara's latest masterpiece. Even Itachi had to admit that the cake was rather impressive as he took a seat at the head of the table. Crowded around the base of the cake was a large bowl of salad, a bottle of salad dressing, a basket full of plastic silverware, a stack of multicolored napkins, and scattered piles of confetti.

Deidara disappeared into the kitchen, pulling an enormous cleaver from one of the many drawers. When he returned, Kisame was passing out plates as the rest of the Akatsuki took seats around the table, Zetsu supporting a comatose Kakuzu and easing him into a chair.

Deidara began slicing the topmost layer of cake into rectangular pieces.

"One for Zetsu… Hidan… Tobi – here, Tobi… " he said, handing each member a slice. And then he reached the piece with the extra-large pink rose on it.

There was a pause in which party music blared from the living room.

"Itachi," Deidara said with a large smirk, handing the Uchiha his designated slice. Itachi stared up at Deidara, accepting the plate impassively, then set it down next to his napkin and stood up to serve himself salad.

Everyone began to eat – except for Itachi, at the salad bowl, and Deidara, who was all but holding his breath with excitement, hovering over the table. He couldn't wait. His greatest idea ever was about to become a reality. It was just too much.

"Senpai!" called Tobi from his seat next to Itachi's vacated chair. "Come sit next to me!"

In his jittery anticipation, Deidara found himself nodding dazedly. He took a seat next to Tobi and took a few deep breaths.

"Have some cake, Senpai!" Tobi chirped excitedly. "You made it, after all. You deserve a piece."

"Yeah," said Deidara, "I guess I do, un." He picked up Itachi's fork without thinking and put a big slice of the Uchiha's cake in his mouth. He chewed. It _was_ rather good, if he did say so himself; all light and creamy and just the right amount of sugar.

And then – disaster.

It started with a slight tingling sensation on the tip of his tongue, which began to spread to the sides of his mouth. Gradually, it grew stronger and stronger, until his mouth started to burn – a red-hot, fiery, stabbing pain. His eyes began to water.

In horror, Deidara stared down at the half-eaten pepper embedded in his – no, Itachi's – slice of cake. He wouldn't have been surprised if there was steam pouring out of his ears. Up and down the table, heads turned. Deidara couldn't breathe, couldn't think. Nothing was real except for the heat in his mouth, spreading rapidly to his throat.

Then he came to his senses: he seized the nearest likely-looking bottle (which happened to be the salad dressing) and took a gulp. Another. Something wasn't right, Deidara thought numbly. What…

He squinted, horrified, at the salad dressing, then set the bottle down with a loud _thunk_, coughing and sputtering for all he was worth. "Itachi," he finally croaked. "You win."

And he collapsed.

The Uchiha looked up at last from where he had been serving himself salad. Not everyone noticed, but there was definitely a trace of a smile on his lips.

* * *

While the party relocated to the living room, Deidara, in a state of semiconsciousness, was left in the kitchen. A disco ball spun from the living room ceiling, strings of lights glowed on the walls, and confetti fell gently like snow, through clusters of streamers and balloons. It was all very cozy, by serial killer standards.

Tobi marched in front of the group, carrying Itachi's birthday present; Itachi followed close behind with the rest of the Akatsuki crowded in his wake. All were entirely bemused – what exactly was in Deidara's slice of cake that made him collapse like that? – and refused to touch their own slices, for fear of discovering unwanted additions. It was quite a shame really, as Itachi's piece was the only one with a pepper; the rest were quite delectable.

"Itachi-san," Tobi said, bouncing up and down on the balls of his feet, "Kisame got you this present. It's from all of us."

Itachi squinted. There, in Tobi's gloved hands, was a tightly wrapped _something_, complete with a crayoned card tucked under the many ribbons and bows plastered to the wrapping paper.

"I thought it was suitable," Kisame said, a pinkish tinge appearing on his blue face. "I wrapped it myself."

Moderately interested, Itachi accepted the box from Tobi, who retreated into the back of the group, bursting with excitement. Itachi tore off the first layer of ribbons (Hidan caught them before they hit the ground and began arranging them in his hair) and opened the card.

"'To Itachi-san, from the Akatsuki. Happy birthday.'" Itachi read tonelessly, then looked up.

"Go on," Pein said.

The next bunch of ribbons flew off, then the wrapping paper. Finally, Itachi was left holding a plain-looking cardboard box.

"What is it?" Itachi asked.

"Open it!" Tobi squealed, darting forward. He tugged the box out of Itachi's hands and lifted off the top. There was a collective gasp as everyone leaned in to see what was inside…

"Knitting needles?" Hidan sneezed. "The hell?"

Itachi removed the knitting needles from the box, examining them closely. Then he set them down on the sofa.

"They are… rather appropriate. Thank you, Kisame-san," he said.

"There's yarn, too!" Tobi cried excitedly. "And a knitting booklet!" He held up several balls of brightly colored yarn and a small manual. Chatter broke out throughout the room, and Tobi had to climb up on top of the coffee table to restore calm.

"One more thing!" Tobi said, and turned to Itachi. "We have another present for you, Itachi-san. Go stand right over there..."

Tobi pointed to the other end of the sofa, and Itachi, holding on to his box of yarn, unwittingly stepped through Tobi's trip wire–

And multitudes of confetti, balloons, and more confetti poured from the ceiling. It was a confetti avalanche cascading down onto the Uchiha's head, bouncing off his cloaked shoulders gracefully, and rapidly piling up at his feet. Itachi blinked once, twice, the torrent of confetti rushing down around him like a multicolored paper waterfall. It was up to his waist now, filling the collar of his cloak, collecting in his hair.

The Akatsuki had begun to clap. Tobi took a bow, produced a bunch of white, red-rimmed roses from somewhere behind his back, and presented the bouquet to Itachi Uchiha, beaming behind his mask.

Itachi accepted the bouquet courteously as the confetti began to close in around his face, and the clapping rose to a crescendo. Even Deidara joined in the applause as he peeked around the doorway, satisfied that someone had finally gotten the better of Itachi, even if it wasn't his own doing.

All in all, it was a very enjoyable evening.

* * *

**Chapter 3! This one's late; I hope you enjoyed it~**

**...Don't forget to review ;)**


	4. Chapter Extra

**Well then. Hai gaiz, long time no post XD **

**(Thanks for all the support, everyone, ILU muchly.)**

**Originally i had three chapters planned for this story, but I woke up this morning with THIS in my head so um.**

**Here we go. Chapter Extra.**

**-RainbowDoom**

* * *

Itachi Uchiha was knitting.

It was early morning, the next day. No one had felt like cleaning up the living room when they all went to bed at two in the morning, but they had managed to haul Itachi out of the mountain of confetti.

And now he was making use of his brand-new birthday present: besides being a fitting way to pass the time for the formidable mass-murderer, it was also said to improve hand-eye coordination, which was an added bonus.

So there he was in the corner of the living room, quietly rocking back and forth in his personalized rocking chair as he knitted. Several balls of brightly colored yarn were nestled in a basket beside him. Contributing to the cozy scene was Tobi, lying on the rug by Itachi's feet, making paper cutouts.

Itachi's knit creation, unfortunately – and this may have had something to do with the Uchiha's ever-worsening eyesight – was a multicolored sock/scarf hybrid which began upstairs in Itachi's bedroom, winding its way down two flights of stairs and through a tangle of table and chair legs all the way to where it ended at Itachi's rocking chair.

Pein would find a use for it. He always did.

"Itachi-san," Tobi piped up suddenly, delicately snipping the corner off of a piece of paper with a pair of safety scissors. "What are you making? I really like it. Tobi is making a gift for Senpai. You can't tell him, though. It's a surprise. Who is that going to be for, Itachi-san?"

In these situations, as Deidara had yet to learn, you had to let Tobi do the talking.

The "good boy" picked up both ends of his scrap of paper and tugged, unfolding a chain of paper doll cutouts wearing black cloaks with red clouds.

"It's a decoration, see?"

Something of a smile crossed Itachi's face. He set down his creation and selected a ball of cheerful orange yarn.

* * *

Deidara was in a black void. He was running from something, but he didn't know what it was. The faster he tried to run, the more it seemed like he wasn't getting anywhere.

Deidara looked back over his shoulder and the thing he was running from came into view. It was Tobi, an immense Tobi, taller than any building he had ever seen, taller than the sky, getting closer every second. Deidara could hardly breathe now. And in front of him, twin sharingans revolved, looming closer and closer, closing in, and he was surrounded–

Deidara woke up, finding that he was choking on his pillow.

He yawned. Tobi was already gone, as he was most mornings. However, today there was a chain of nine paper cutouts taped to the wall above Deidara's bed. Upon closer inspection, he found that it depicted the Akatsuki – one cutout had plantlike appendages, another had a ponytail.

Speaking of which.

Deidara tied up his hair, simultaneously attempting to make his bed, but ended up wishing he had left the bed alone because it had looked better in the first place. Then he left the room in search of breakfast.

When Deidara arrived in the kitchen, sort of mostly awake and yawning, Kakuzu was already at the table, running a pen down a page of figures in his infamous little black checkbook. Deidara reached, zombielike, for a bowl, just as Zetsu made his usual entrance up through the kitchen floor.

Deidara opened the refrigerator, quickly finding what appeared to be the least stale bottle of milk, and began to pour this into his cereal bowl.

He frowned, wondering why his feet were suddenly wet. Then he realized that there was a gaping hole in the cereal bowl… the vivid orange, oval-shaped cereal bowl, grooved on the bottom… wait a second…

Holy _shit_.

Deidara dropped Tobi's mask onto the table as if it had given him an electric shock, his mind working furiously.

Tobi's mask… Tobi's _mask_… Tobi… _Tobi's not wearing his mask! _

And in the midst of these muddled, half-formed thoughts, one single objective pulsed brightly:

_I've got to find him._

Deidara stuffed Tobi's mask into his cloak pocket and made a beeline for the staircase. Up the stairs he sprinted, burning with crazed energy, leaving behind an indifferent Kakuzu and a completely mystified Zetsu.

* * *

First stop: the bathroom. It was a possibility. It was disgusting. But it was still a possibility.

Deidara skidded into the bathroom and happened to glance into the bathtub, in which a copious quantity of green jell-o was bubbling ominously.

"Er," said Deidara, not to anyone in particular. "Right then. Un."

Next stop, Hidan and Kakuzu.

Halfway to Hidan and Kakuzu's room, Deidara found himself quite suddenly sprawled on the floor. He winced, and, picking himself up, noticed the thirty-foot-long _thing _he had tripped over.

It was purple. And it was yellow. And red. And blue. And green. And orange. And purple again. But what _was_ it?

Deidara held it close to his face.

It was knitted out of yarn. Itachi's, no doubt. The Uchiha must be making good use of his birthday present – or something. Deidara scrambled up and let go of Itachi's knitting.

On to Hidan and Kakuzu's. Deidara burst through the door and looked around frantically. Hidan was nowhere to be seen, but Deidara heard the shower going in the attached bathroom. He walked across the bedroom, carefully avoiding the puddles of blood, and entered the bathroom beyond.

It was like walking into a sauna. Deidara staggered, inhaling the boiling 100% humidity. "Agh," he choked. "Hidan, how can you breathe in this?"

"Blondie!" Hidan howled, clutching the shower curtain to his chest. "What the hell are you doing in here?"

Deidara ducked to avoid the sudden onslaught of kunai and bars of soap (which had been exceptionally hard to detect through the steam) and replied, "Tobi's missing his mask, un."

"His mask? But Tobi–"

"I've been trying to find him," Deidara said. "Where did you see Tobi last?"

"When he dumped all that confetti on Itachi's head last night," Hidan replied. "Haven't you checked his room?"

"No!" Deidara exclaimed, snapping his fingers. "I'll bet that's where he is– Thanks, Hidan," he called, walking out of the bathroom. There was a distant "whoops!" and a _splat_ as the rock-nin slipped in a puddle of blood outside the door.

* * *

Covered in blood from who-knows-where and panting slightly, Deidara skidded into his and Tobi's room, only to find it empty. He sighed. Now that he thought about it, he hadn't seen Tobi _or _Itachi since last night's hot pepper incident… this was beginning to develop into a rather perplexing state of affairs.

In the meantime, however, here he was, at another dead end, with no new leads. What now?

Deidara had never really paid Tobi's side of the room much attention before. It was less cluttered than Deidara's side, for one thing, and way more… sparkly. He carefully avoided eye contact with the large, garish unicorn poster pasted to the wall and examined the bedside table with mild interest.

A hand-picked bouquet of dandelions. A bottle of black nail polish (so that's where that went, thought Deidara). A crayoned picture of Tobi and his Senpai atop a bird (Deidara cringed).

Aha. Tobi's _diary._

Deidara snatched it eagerly, then hesitated, biting his lip. Was this really such a good idea?

He opened it up and began to read.

Approximately thirty seconds later, he set the diary down, appalled.

He wasn't sure which was more disturbing: the sorts of things that Tobi wrote about, or the atrociously cheerful tone in which he wrote about them.

* * *

He was just wondering which room to check next when he heard a sudden snatch of voices farther down the hallway. Deidara froze. Then he whirled around and crept to the doorway, peering down the hall.

There was Tobi. Masked. Walking alongside Itachi, who was squinting down at his knitting. It trailed eight feet behind him as he walked.

Deidara blinked, bewildered. What…

"…it's a really cool mask, Itachi-san. Much more comfortable than the old one. I really like it."

"Mm," Itachi replied, tripping over his knitting and landing on his face. He stood up as if this had not just happened and continued walking.

Deidara frantically checked his cloak pocket to make sure that Tobi's mask was still in there. He pulled it out and held on with both hands. He looked up – Tobi had his mask on, just like always.

Wait a second…

As the two Akatsuki members approached Deidara, he saw Tobi's mask clearly. It wasn't… quite right. It looked distinctly _fuzzy._

Then he understood. He blinked. He groaned. He let Tobi's real mask slip through his fingers and fell to the ground after it.

"Deidara-senpai!" Tobi shouted, noticing Deidara at last as he hit the floor. Tobi sprinted down the hall towards his partner and knelt down beside him. "Deidara-senpai, what is it? …Oh, you found my old mask. Don't you like this one better? Tobi really does."

It was knitted.

That damned Uchiha knit Tobi a new mask out of orange yarn.

_Damn it._

Deidara fumed. "It's lovely, Tobi, un," he said, with much grinding of teeth. Then a new pair of feet arrived – complete with purple nail polish.

Deidara jumped up, fists clenched and teeth (all sets) bared. Itachi continued to knit, his knitting needles slightly blurred as they clicked together with steadily increasing speed. Tobi, noticing the danger signs, gave a quick "See you later, Senpai," and sprinted down the stairs.

No one spoke for quite a long while. Deidara broke the silence.

"Itachi… why the hell did you do that?"

The Uchiha calmly looked up from his knitting. "To test my abilities. If you wish to kill me one day, foster your hatred and–"

Deidara twitched.

"I felt it necessary," Itachi said with a slight smile. _And it was quite worth it to see you dashing around the house like a lunatic._

* * *

It only made sense that a person who was strangely detached and emotionless ninety-eight percent of the year would have to compensate somehow. So it was on this day that Itachi Uchiha completely lost it.

The stars were just beginning to emerge and Itachi's curtains were drawn. He was in his second-floor bedroom, sitting cross-legged on his bed, his cloak spread out behind him across the comforter as he reflected upon the last few days, two events in particular

Deidara was such an unfortunate person; it was really quite sad. That was twice that Itachi had gotten the better of him – Tobi's new mask, and the hot pepper incident. Hmm.

And then, in his mind's eye, Itachi again saw the look on Deidara's face when he had seen Tobi's orange knitted mask, and the moment when the rock-nin realized that he had eaten that fiery pepper.

Itachi suppressed a chortle. Quite sad? Rather amusing, more like. Itachi bit his lip, trying not to smile. He had looked all so ridiculously deranged, and so… _funny_.

Another snatch of laughter. (They were happening at increasingly frequent intervals now.) And then, all at once, the Uchiha exploded.

Itachi fell back against the wall in a nonstop state of laughter. He gasped, scarlet eyes streaming, pounding the comforter with his fist. Then he flopped down, landing lengthwise on the bed, still cackling like a lunatic. His head hit his pillow, ponytail untidy, headband askew, shaking with uncontrollable sobs of mirth.

That was how Kisame found him.

The mist-nin was on his way upstairs from the kitchen, having just polished off the very last carton of ice cream in the freezer (it hadn't been that great anyway; it had been in there for at least two years and was suffering from a severe case of freezer-burn). He rounded the corner up the stairs and started down the hall. Strange noises seemed to be coming from his and Itachi's shared room.

He opened the door – and stared.

There was Itachi, apparently in hysterics, sobbing into his pillow. Was he laughing? Crying?

Apparently both. Itachi sat up with difficulty, the fits of laughter continuing. He noticed Kisame, who was mouthing wordlessly from the doorway, frozen in place. The laughter began to diminish.

Kisame managed to speak then.

"Itachi… I… did that just…?" he rasped.

"Yes, that just happened," said Itachi evenly as he straightened his forehead protector. Kisame's eyebrows shot up.

"But if you tell anyone," the Uchiha said, "I'm denying it completely."

* * *

**That's all ;) Hope you enjoyed :D**


End file.
